


No Shagging in the TARDIS

by Goldy



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-28
Updated: 2014-07-28
Packaged: 2018-02-08 19:09:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1952721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Goldy/pseuds/Goldy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i> Rose stared at him for a long time. Finally, she said, “You’re telling me that your centuries of self-imposed asexuality is all because you think your ship might think it’s weird?”</i> Crack fic, mostly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Shagging in the TARDIS

“Um, what are you doing?”

“Undoing your tie,” Rose said.

“I can see that,” the Doctor squeaked. “Is there… a reason you’re, um, doing so?”

She moved to his buttons. He involuntarily licked his lips.

“Well,” Rose said, quite reasonably. “It seemed like the first step in getting all your clothes off.”

“Oh.” He swallowed. “Clever.”

She flashed a smile up at him. “Thanks!”

He decided to file _that_ one under ‘Conversations He Never Expected To Have With Rose.’

Rose pushed his jacket off his shoulders. He began to wonder if he was supposed to be following some sort of reciprocal action with _her_ clothes.

“So… pajama party, then?” he managed. “Naked round of hide and go seek?” He paused. “Cuddling?”

Rose stopped what she was doing. He tried to ignore his sharp stab of disappointment.

Her stare plainly told him that this was, in some way, all his fault.

“You were the one who kissed me,” she accused, uncertainty creeping into her voice. “Quite enthusiastically, I should add.”

“Well, yeah,” he admitted. “I did. A bit. It seemed… like the thing to do.”

He chanced a look at her eyes. He saw equals parts confusion and hurt.

Oh, sod everything there was to be sod. He considered finding himself a nice cliff to fling himself over.

“You had—it was…” he jammed his hands in his pockets and continued in a mumble. “They were very nice lips, and usually I have very good self-control— _remarkable_ self-control—though obviously not _quite_ as good as I thought it was. But that’s just the _thing_. Self-control like mine—it’s only bound to snap once every few centuries. I don’t—haven’t, I should say, been intimate with anyone for a very long time.”

The hurt and confusion melted away, replaced with… victory? What? That couldn’t be right. He wracked his brain to try and figure out what he said.

Rose took a step forward. “So what you’re saying is, you _do_ want to have sex, you just think you’ll be rubbish at it.”

He stared at her, mouth dropping open. “That… I did… that is _not_ what I said,” he stammered. “I’ll have you _know_ , as an advanced species I—look, Rose, the parts are all there and they work, and I’m 900-years-old!”

It was entirely possible he could still come out of this with his pride intact.

“Doctor,” Rose softened her voice. “We don’t gotta do anything you don’t want to, yeah? But if you _do_ want to—and I sort of reckon you do—then we’ll take it nice and slow so you can figure things out as we go along.”

He could swear he was blushing all the way down to his manly and stubby toes. Somewhere out there, his pride was throwing itself a very nice little party. With tea. And biscuits.

“It’s the TARDIS,” he blurted.

She blinked at him. “I’m sorry?”

Oh, rubbish. Oh, bloody damn. The ‘no shagging in the TARDIS’ bit had _definitely_ been Number One on his List Of Things Never To Tell Rose. Right after the one that said he secretly liked Jackie’s shepherd’s pie and that he’d once borrowed her toothbrush to scrape a particularly nasty piece of gunk out of the console.

“The TARDIS,” he said. “It’d just be… I don’t know—weird. She has emotions too, you know. And honestly, Rose, the last thing you want to do is make your sentient time machine angry.”

Rose stared at him for a long time. Finally, she said, “You’re telling me that your centuries of self-imposed asexuality is all because you think your _ship_ might think it’s weird?”

Well, when she put it all out there like that, it didn’t sound nearly as pragmatic as in his head.

“That—um…”

“Doctor,” Rose said. “Do you honestly think, after traveling with so many humans, your ship has never witnessed the act of sex?”

He swallowed and rubbed at one ear, hoping that she’d take the hint and drop the subject.

She did not. “I mean, _Jack_ traveled with us, Doctor. Jack. What do you think he was getting up to?”

His head snapped up with a sharp crack.

“Oh, don’t even _look_ at me like that,” Rose snapped. “Not with _me_. Just in general.”

“It’s different!” the Doctor. “The TARDIS and I—we’re connected, Rose. You know how it is. She gets in your head, translates languages for you. But for me… it’s more than that; it goes deeper than that. And… sex, well, it’s a rather… private thing, isn’t it?”

Rose studied him, looking torn between smacking him and hugging him. He decided that was progress.

“But…” she said slowly. “You do _want_ to, don’t you?”

“Oh, yes,” he said. “Very much.”

She eyed him for a moment. Then, in a voice that intimated she thought she was speaking to a child, said, “Have you thought about… asking her nicely if we could shag?”

He glared at her.

Rose blew out a breath. “Fine! How about we go somewhere else, then? I’m sure if we just… found a nice little beach, the TARDIS wouldn’t mind.”

 _Oh, she’ll still know_ , the Doctor thought, but Rose looked near ready to start tearing up his ship with her bare hands.

Mental note, he thought, Rose was _scary_ when she was angry.

“Right, a _beach_ ,” he said, practically tripping over himself in his haste to set the coordinates. “That’s romantic, isn’t it? Hmm?”

He mentally willed his nice ship to _please_ take them to a beach where there wasn’t some sort of life-and-death emergency. He really didn’t want Rose to suspect there was a conspiracy out to ruin their sex life.

“Rose?” he said, irked when he didn’t get a reply.

He chanced a glance at her profile. She was staring very hard at the grating, arms folded across her chest.

“I’d just like to point out,” he said. “It’s been a _very_ long time since I’ve considered doing this with anyone, so you might think about phrasing any response carefully. Maybe you should mention how good-looking you think I am. And how much you enjoy it when I explain things really quickly and then run away.”

Rose smiled and when she looked up, her eyes had gone all soft. “You’re very silly,” she said. “Very wonderful, but very silly.”

He beamed. She beamed back.

The TARDIS came to a screeching halt, and he made an effort to ignore any and all smoke wafting out from under the grating.

“Ahh,” he said. “We’re here.”

And _thank_ all there was in this universe to be thanked.

As they headed out the door, Rose said, “So what _are_ we allowed to do in the TARDIS?”

“Well, obviously, holding hands is okay,” he said. Rose grinned and held hers out for him. He took it, opening the TARDIS door for them. “Hugging is always brilliant. And the occasional snog probably won’t do _too_ much damage.”

Rose took that in. “So let’s say you come out of the shower, yeah? And at that moment I walk in completely starkers. And then say I happened to _fall_ on you. Would the TARDIS have a problem with that?”  



End file.
